Jokes

[Tink]

do you have any good jokes? Post them here ;D

I'll start ;D

Side Effects Of Alcohol

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle.
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.

2. Symptom: Warm and humid feet.
Cause: You pissed your pants.
Cure: Dry yourself at nearest restroom.

3. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

4. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

5. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

6. Symptom: You see multiple reflections of your face.
Cause: You're trying to puke in the toilet.
Cure: Stick your finger in your mouth.

7. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself.

8. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

9. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

10. Symptom: A huge light is blinding you.
Cause: You woke up in someone's lawn.
Cure: Coffee and a long nap.

[mcm]

Three guys are lost in the countryside, and they see a farmhouse. They ask the farmer if he can put them up for the night, he agrees.

The house has three bedrooms, one for the farmer, and one separate for each of his hot, fresh daughters. Two of the guys get to share a room with the daughters, and the other is forced to sleep in the attic. The guys sleeping with the daughters thought about a code to use if they were able to score with the hot young girls...

At midnight, a sound echoes across the house: "FREIGHT TRAIN THROUGH BEDROOM ONE!" Meaning that the first guy scored. 10 minutes later, another echo: "FREIGHT TRAIN THROUGH BEDROOM TWO!"

Not to be outdone, 10 minutes later, another sound rings out: "HANDCAR THROUGH THE ATTIC!"

[calbell]

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

[Tink]

A joke for all you cub fans *cough* MCM *cough*

Man From Chicago

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."
The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100 and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine.

"No problem... just like Chicago in June," the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150 and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.

The man is sweating a little, but overall, he looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200 and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, he sees that the man is sweating profusely and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems okay.

He says, "No problem. Just like Chicago in August."

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat and turns the temperature down to minus 150 degrees. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place -- hell -- becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.

When he goes back to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover that the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Chicago man replies...

"The Cubs won the World Series!!! The Cubs won the World Series!!!"

[calbell]

I've heard that one before^^^^^^^^^^,
but it always pertained a Leaf fan instead of a Cub fan.

[Tink]

The Candy Wrapper

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, 'hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?'
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream 'Oh Henry, Oh Henry!'

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, 'hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.' I said 'Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?' (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, 'Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!' as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...

Baby Ruth!

[mcm]

^^^ That last one was great tink...

[Tink]

Men's Favorite Street Corner

[Atl]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?
"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner
before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for
1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh?
"Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"
So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them,....but not biting.
In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or what?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

[Tink]

The Human Brain

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask.

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."

[mcm]

What's the difference between a light and a hard?

You can go to sleep with a light on.




What's similar between masturbation and procrastination?

It may feel good at the time, but in the end you're just fucking yourself.




What's similar between a three putt and masturation?

You kinda feel bad for doing it, but you know it'll happen again.




What's a Yankee?

Like a quickie, but a guy can do it by himself.

[Tink]

Are You Italian?
You Know You're Italian When...
1- Your backyard consists of 1/8 grass and 7/8 tomatoes and radicchio.

2- You have more pictures of Jesus' Mother Mary on your walls than family members.

3- Baptisms and engagement parties are twice or three times as big as American weddings.

4- You shave your face, and you're a GIRL!

5- You wear heels just to go to Shopper's Drug Mart.

6- You don't know any other southern vacation destination other than Acapulco.

7- Everyone over the age of 55 in your family is short, fat, and wears nothing but black.

8- The words "cinta" and "scopa" cause you to pee your pants in fear.

9- You have 4 Antonietta's, 5 Giuseppe's, and 8 Antonio's in your family.

10- Absolutely every one of your ancestors is referred to by nicknames: fat Pauly, short Sally,...

11- You're willing to miss the birth of your child during a World Cup soccer game.

12- You're 16 and you're seen with a guy by anyone in your family, they ask if you're going to get married anytime soon.

13- You've ever had crevices and indentations in your feet as a child, from your mother forcing you to wear stiff crocheted socks with tight pointy shoes.

14- You don't even know the names of any of your EIGHTEEN bridesmaids.

15- You're 35 years old, still live at home, still have your mom cook and clean for you, and you STILL have the guts to complain about having to eat "pasta fazool" for dinner again.

[Tink]

Are You Italian?

You Know You're Italian When...
1- You have more aunts than you can count out on your two hands.

2- Your brother can have 3 girlfriends all sleep over at the same time, but your sister, who is 19, has to be in bed by 7.

3- You are currently in therapy over bad dreams about leather belts and wooden spoons.

4- Redecorating your living room means changing the plastic sofa covers.

5- You attend more than 9 weddings a year.

6- Your parents refer to KFC as "galina del vecchio".!

7- Your parents earn very little money (construction & cleaners) but you still find yourself travelling back and forth to Italy several times a year.

8- Your friends come over for dinner and they leave 10 pounds heavier.

9- You ask for one piece of chicken that your mother's serving and she forks 4 big slabs on your plate instead.

10- You're a yapper, but become instantly mute when you're hands are tied down.

[Atl]

Perhaps we can have two joke threads:

One for actual jokes, and one for email-ish, list jokes.

Joke telling is a lot more humorous to me than the email variety.

[Tink]

Atl said:

Perhaps we can have two joke threads:

One for actual jokes, and one for email-ish, list jokes.

Joke telling is a lot more humorous to me than the email variety.