Purity Test.

[Tink]

Valentine’s Day is a day for love. But it’s also a day for filthy, filthy sex and, by extension, a day to celebrate all that is impure. In recognition of this celebration, the Gateway brings you our eleventh annual purity test.

Take it, tally up your score using the blood of the innocent or, you know, a pen, and compare it with your friends, your cat, and your grandparents. Just remember: it’s totally a contest.

EASING IN

Ever lied to someone? (1pt)
Your parents? (2pts)
A teacher? (5pts)
CSIS? (50pts)

Ever made a prank call? (1pt)
Ever told a dirty/racist joke? (2pts)
Because you’re actually racist? (-2pts)

Ever broken up with someone? (1pt apiece)
Over the phone? (2pts)
Through a friend? (2pts)
Using a note? (2pts)
Through your parents? (10pts)
Ever broken up with your parents? (50pts)

Ever been in a fight? (2pts)
With a girl? (5pts)
With a baby? (10pts)
With a gorilla? (20pts)
With a bear? (20pts)
With a gorilla and a bear? (100pts)

SEX

Ever held hands? (1pt)
Kissed someone of the opposite sex? (1pt)
Kissed someone of the same sex? (2pts)
Kissed a hermaphrodite? (10pts)

Ever engaged in dry humping? (2pts)
Heavy petting? (3pts)
Fellatio? (5pts)
Cunnilingus? (5pts)
Given/received a rim job? (8pts)

Ever cum on someone’s face? (3pts guys, 10pts girls)
Ever had your face cummed on? (3pts girls, 10pts guys)

Ever had pre-marital sex? (2pts per partner)
Was it only because Stephen Harper wouldn’t let you get married? (3pts)
Ever had anal sex? (5pts)
How many years away from 18 were you when you lost your virginity? (2pts per year before, -2pts per year after, -5pts if you’re still a virgin)
Ever stolen someone’s virginity? (2pts apiece)

How many times have you had sex in a 24-hour period? (1pt per session, add 5pts for every partner after 1)
How many people have you had sex with at once? (3pts for every person after 1)
Ever had sex until you were sore? (3pts)
Until you had to go to the hospital? (20pts)

Ever had sex with someone more than twice or less than half your weight/height? (5pts)
Ever broken the half-plus-seven rule? (5pts)
Ever used a formula to decide who you can sleep with? (-5pts)
Ever slept with a prof? (3pts)
Just to raise your marks? (5pts)
But you failed anyway? (-10pts)

Ever cheated on your partner? (2pts per time)
Ever cheated on your partner with someone who was cheating on their partner? (10pts)

Ever gotten married just to have sex? (-2pts)
Just to commit adultery? (10pts)

Are you a born-again virgin? (-5pts)
Ever pretended you’re a born-again virgin just to get laid? (10pts)

Ever named your genitals? (1pts)
After your favourite prof? (5pts)

Ever played spin the bottle? (1pt)
Strip spin the bottle? (5pts)
Did you “use” the bottle? (10pts)
Ever faked an orgasm? (2pts)
Ever faked not having an orgasm? (5pts)
Did you tell your partner you were “just peeing”? (10pts)

Ever screamed the wrong name during sex? (2pts)
Was it “Mat Brechtel”? (5pts)
Was it your own name? (10pts)

Ever had sex with a Golden Bear? (2pts)
A Panda? (2pts)
A grizzly bear? (20pts)

Ever woken up next to someone whose name you couldn’t remember? (2pts per time)
Ever hate fucked the hate away? (5pts)

Ever fisted someone/been fisted? (3pts)
Did you use a dish glove? (-3pts)
Hip waders? (10pts)

Ever engaged in an S&M act? (3pts)
Ever involved pissing, shitting, or puking in your sexual escapades? (5pts apiece, 50pts for doing them all simultaneously)
By accident? (20pts)

Do you have a shag carpet? (1pt)
In your van? (2pts)
In your pants? (5pts)

STAYIN’ SAFE

Ever had unprotected sex (not even pills)? (5pts)
With someone you didn’t know? (10pts)
Ever gotten pregnant? (10pts)
To quit smoking? (50pts)

Ever been on the pill? (2pts)
To make your breasts bigger? (10pts girls, 50pts guys)
To make your acne better? (-5pts)

Ever had an abortion? (10pts)
As a method of birth control? (20pts)
To lose weight? (100pts)

Ever had crabs, herpes, scabies, a urinary tract infection, or a nasty discharge? (5pts apiece)
Ever had gonorrhea, Chlamydia, genital warts, or syphilis? (10pts)
AIDS? (20pts)
DEVICES

Ever looked at porn online? (1pts)
Ever had cybersex? (2pts)
While pretending to be older/younger/of a different sex than you actually are? (5pts)

Ever used online personals? (2pts)
Ever been in porn? (10pts)

Ever bought porn? (2pts)
Ever get free porn because you spent so much money at the sex shop? (5pts)

Are you down with slash fiction? (2pts)
Transformers slash fiction? (5pts)
West Wing slash fiction? (10pts)
Care Bears slash fiction? (20pts)

Do you own a vibrator? (5pts)
Are you a guy? (10pts)

Do you own a cock ring? (5pts)
Are you a girl? (10pts)

Do you own handcuffs, a whip, paddle, bondage swing, gag, clamps, stiletto boots, crotchless underwear, corset, collar, or crop? (3pts each, 10pts more if you have them all)

Ever made your own sex toys? (5pts)
Out of vegetables? (10pts)
Out of animals? (20pts)

Ever used lube? (2pts)
Margarine? (5pts)
WD-40? (10pts)

TOUCHING IT

Ever masturbated? (1pt)
Just to fall asleep? (2pts)
Until you bled? (3pts)
Until you went blind? (5pts)
Until you could see again? Hallelujah! (20pts)

How many times in one day? (2pts per every time after 1)

Ever touched it at school? (5pts)
At work? (5pts)
Do you work at a daycare? (20pts)

Ever given yourself oral sex? (5pts)
Is that the reason you went into gymnastics? (10pts)
Is that the reason you won Olympic gold? (50pts)

Ever shaved your pubes? (1pt)
Waxed them? (2pts)
Torn them out one by one using a tweezer? (5pts)
Because you had gum stuck in them? (10pts)

LOCATIONS

Ever had sex outside? (2pts)
In the winter? (5pts)

Ever have sex while you were on the phone? (2pts)
With your parents? (3pts)
With your grandparents? (5pts)
With your real boyfriend/girlfriend? (10pts)
In a car? (2pts)
While you were driving? (10pts)

In an elevator? (2pts)
A public bathroom? (2pts)

The alley behind the Strat? (10pts)

Rutherford Library North? (2pts)
Rutherford Library South? (2pts)
Both at the same time? (10pts)

Quad? (3pt)
The Ag/For atrium? (3pts)

On public transportation? (3pts)
A plane? (3pts)
In the LRT station? (3pts)
Was it on the tracks? (5pts)
Did you come at the same time as the train? (10pts)

In a classroom? (2pts)
While there was a class going on? (10pts)

The hospital? (2pts)
The children’s hospital? (5pts)
Were you a patient? (20pts)

In the Gateway office? (2pts)
And neither of you worked for the Gateway? (10pts, you sneaky bastard)

The Admin building? (2pts)
While paying your tuition? (5pts)
To pay your tuition? (10pts)

University Hall? (2pts)
On Rod Fraser’s desk? (5pts)
With Rod Fraser? (50pts)
Did you donate money to engineering afterwards? (100pts)

Ever been penetrated in Cameron Library? (2pts)
With a knife? (10pts)

DRUGS/ALCOHOL

Ever gotten drunk? (1pts)
Ever gotten crunk? (2pts)
How many years away from 18 were you when you first got drunk? (1pts for every year below, -1pts for every year above)
High? (2pts for every year below, -2pts for every year above)

Ever drank beer in the shower? (1pt)
Ever still been drunk in the morning? (3pts)
Ever gotten so drunk you puked? (3pts)
Pissed yourself? (5pts)
Shit yourself? (10pts)
Died? (100pts)

Ever drink and dial? (5pts)
Drink and drive? (10pts, asshole)
Drink and fax? (20pts)

Ever had a hangover? (2pts)
A hangover that lasted more than 24 hours? (4pts)
Did you drink to get rid of it? (5pts)
Did you drink to make it last longer? (10pts)

Ever been in a bar fight? (2pts)
Ever started a bar fight? (3pts)

Ever tried:
Cigarettes? (1pt)
Pot or hash? (2pts)
Mushrooms? (3pts)
Glue or painting supplies? (4pts)
Coke, meth, speed, ecstasy, or acid? (5pts)
Crack? (10pts)
Heroin? (15pts)
Oregano? (-2pts)

Do you own a pipe? (2pts)
A bong? (3pts)
Ever hotboxed a room? (3pts)
A car? (4pts)
A house? (10pts)

Ever snorted coke off a hooker? (5pts)
Off a dead hooker? (20pts)
Off an undead hooker? (100pts)

Ever gotten someone else involved in drugs? (5pts)
Against their will? (10pts)
Ever grown your own weed? (5pts)
Using instructions you read in the Gateway? (-5pts, loser)

Ever sold drugs? (10pts)
Ever run your own drug cartel? (100pts)

Ever gone to class drunk? (2pts)
High? (3pts)
Ever mixed drugs and alcohol? (3pts)
Ever overdosed? (20pts)

Ever sucked dick for coke? (10pts)
Are you Bob Saget? (15pts)
Was it Bob Saget? (50pts)

Ever taken medicinal marijuana? (2pts)
Did you lie to get it? (5pts)
Was it your grandparents’? (10pts)
Did you sell it? (15pts)
Back to them? (50pts)

Ever rolled a joint? (2pts)
With Pierre Burton (RIP)? (10pts)
With Anne McLellan? (20pts)

Ever bought drugs or alcohol for underage kids? (1pt)
From underage kids? (5pts)
In exchange for sex? (10pts)

Ever gotten so drunk you put your fist through a wall? (1pt)
Your head? (3pts)
Your dink or, somehow, your vagina? (10pts)

[Tink]

BLASPHEMY

Pride? (1pt)
Envy? (1pt)
Gluttony? (1pt)
Lust? (1pt)
Wrath? (1pt)
Greed? (1pt)
Slothfulness? (1pt)
(2pts for each if they happened in a church)

Is the Pope in the hospital because of you? (5pts)

Ever started your own religion? (2pts)

Ever considered going into the priesthood? (-2pts)
For the children? (10pts)

Ever used the Bible to make rolling papers? (2pts)
Toilet paper? (5pts)
Feminine hygiene paper? (10pts)

Did you pee in the water at your baptism? (2pts)
At someone else’s baptism? (5pts)

Ever been taken advantage of by a priest? (10pts)
Ever taken advantage of a priest? (20pts)

CRIME

Ever committed an illegal act? (2pts)
Did you blame it on someone else? (5pts)
Did they go to jail? (20pts)

Ever gotten a parking ticket? (1pt)
A speeding ticket? (2pts)
A ticket for drinking and driving? (5pts)
Ever been in the drunk tank? (10pts)

Ever taken the LRT without paying? (2pts)
Ever dined and dashed? (5pts)
Ever cheated on an exam? (5pts)
Ever violated copyright laws? (2pts)

Ever streaked? (2pts)
Ever skinny dipped? (2pts)
Did someone run away with your clothes? (-2pts)
Because you asked them to? (5pts)

Ever been arrested? (5pts)
Gone to prison? (10pts)

Ever been in Campus Crime Beat? (5pts)
Do you live in Lister? (-5pts)

Ever stolen anything? (1pt)
A chocolate bar? (1pt)
A car? (5pts)
Someone’s soul? (10pts)
Someone’s rhythm? (20pts)

Ever flipped off a cop? (2pt)
A bus driver? (2pts)
A handicap-bus driver? (5pts)

Ever faked being crippled to park in a handicap spot? (5pts)
Ever broken your friend’s kneecap to park in a handicap spot? (10pts)
Ever broken your own kneecap to park in a handicap spot? (50pts)

Ever vandalized? (1pts)
A Zoom media ad? (-5pts, hippie)

Ever broken a window? (1pt)
With your penis or, somehow, vagina? (5pts)
With someone else’s penis or, somehow, vagina? (10pts)

Ever caused a tsunami? (50pts)
With your penis or, somehow, vagina? (100pts)

Ever toilet papered a house? (2pts)
With used toilet paper? (5pts)

Ever stolen a bike? (3pts)
A motorbike? (5pts)
From a Hell’s Angel? (10pts)
And you lived to tell the tale? (20pts)

Ever had a restraining order issued against you? (5pts)
How many countries have you been stopped by the police in? (2pts per country)

Ever killed a hooker? (10pts)
Ever brought a hooker back to life? (20pts)

ROCK N’ ROLL

Ever been to a live rock concert? (1pt)
Ever crowd surfed? (1pt)
Ever been backstage? (2pts)
Had sex backstage? (5pts)
On stage? (20pts)
Ever slept with someone in a band? (2pts)
Ever slept with an entire band? (5pts)
Was it Nickelback? (-50pts)
Was it Creed? (-100pts)

Ever started a band to get girls/guys? (2pts)
To get free food at the Powerplant? (1pt)
Did neither work? (-5pts)

Ever experience frottage? (2pts)
Ever go to a concert just to experience frottage? (5pts)

Do you have any piercings? (2pts per hole, 5pts per nipple or genital piercing)
Do you have a tattoo? (3pts per hour of tattooing)
Were you drunk? (5pts)
Did you do it yourself? (5pts)
Did you get it done on “free tatoo day?” (10pts)
Any brandings? (10pts)
As a frat initiation? (5pts more)
Voluntary amputations? (20pts)

Ever died your hair an unnatural colour? (1pts)
Your pubic hair? (3pts)
Someone else’s pubic hair? (10pts)

AND FINALLY:

Ever passed out on your parents’ bed naked while touching yourself with their wedding picture in your other hand? (1000pt)


YOUR PURITY ON A RELATIVE SCALE

Wet behind the ears (0–130)

I’m not really sure how you managed to get your hands on a copy of this, but if you made it all the way through, you’ve most likely wet yourself by this point. Make sure Mommy and Daddy don’t see you reading this, or they’ll send you back to the cage in the basement they kept you in for the first 20 years of your life. If you’re in this category, you most likely think the word “boobie” is referring to a trap of some point, and a handjob is like getting a manicure.
Gatewayers in this category: Leah Collins, Jake Troughton

A little wet in your pants (131–230)

You’re a straight-A student, always in bed by 10pm, and volunteer at an old-folks’ home on the weekends. However, you have been known to actually open your penis enlargement spam every once in a while, and once you even let yourself have a sexual fantasy (you stopped before you could finish, though). Next time your friends try to peer pressure you into something, try saying “yes.” It’ll loosen you up a bit, and next thing you know you’ll be the one explaining what “teabagging” means.
Gatewayers in this category: Scott C Bourgeois, Tyson Kaban, Daniel Kaszor, Cosanna Preston, Dave Berry, Adam Rozenhart, Leanne Fong

A little wet in someone else’s pants (231–330)

You’ve achieved a healthy balance in life. You know how to cut loose, but you usually manage to stop short of alcohol poisoning, pregnancy, or throat fungus. While the rest of the world was at home looking at Internet porn, you were out buying a webcam with your “roommate”—but you always remembered to use a condom, or at least some Saran Wrap. Keep it up and you’ll live a long, healthy, fulfilling, same-sex-marriage-supporting life.
Gatewayers in this category: Iris Tse, James Storrie, Don Iveson, Chris Boutet, Kristine Owram

Wet behind the ears—with jizz! (331–hell)

Wow. You, good sirs and lady-sirs, have done it all, and I mean all. From snorting coke off a dead hooker’s chest to starting tsunamis with your genitals to falling asleep naked on your parents’ bed with their wedding picture in your hand, there’s nothing left for you in this world. Maybe once you end up in hell you’ll find some new ways to amuse yourself, although even Satan himself probably won’t be able to come up with any pointers for you. Try not to let this depress you too much.
Gatewayers in this category: Ross Moroz

[Tink]

My score... 230

[Mickey Martini]

Damn it, the minute I saw jizz I didn't want to do this test. I did anyways and got 245

[Johnny]

I got 98

no but seriously. im lame

[canadian]

231? woah I am tottally cool